Reflecting

I remember having a conversation with my brother, I was a sophomore in high school and recently broke up with my then boyfriend-I clearly thought the world was ending, like any dramatic high school girl would. I'm not sure if he asked me where I see my life going or if I  just went out and  said it-which is something I totally would do. One way or another I confessed to him that I saw myself successful in the corporate world, living in a big city in a penthouse with only a giant dog while being consumed in my work. I even elaborated on my dog, I told him that he (it was a he) would hate every man that stepped foot in my penthouse but he would love 'the one' the second he stepped in, but I went on to how that would never happen because I would be consumed in my work. He looked at me, collected his thoughts and said 'that's sad sis'  two seconds later we were both laughing. 

Fast forward 8 years and Im chatting along with my gals in the car about what they want to be when they grow up-Raygan (for that split second) wanted to fix cars, and Remy shes been stuck on being a mermaid for awhile now. (dream big girls) Raygan went on about how my job is to go to the store when we need food, and to cook dinner and clean. 

DING DING DING. 

Although her description doesn't sound that glamorous I do love it. I hate missing their moments and live to make each day special.  

I always said I wanted to be married by 22, have babies by 24, but never thought it would actually happen.  Things happened a tiny bit earlier and definitely backwards but hey?  Never once did I see myself as a 'housewife' and honestly didn't really like kids. I swore while I was pregnant with Raygan that I would work 6 weeks after she was born. Bologna! She came and I was smitten with her, obsessed if you will. I hated leaving her and never mentioned going to work or starting a career as a massage therapist. (She didn't make it easy leaving her either-the little screamer) I waited around to see if Cameron would say anything, the subject never truly came up. So I went with it. My intentions were there, but my heart was not. For awhile I tip-toed around the job subject hoping he would still say 'oh you'll start working someday' 

I was a stay at home mama I never thought I'd be and I'm still soaking it in nearly four years later. 

Lessons Learned From My Nail Tech

I slipped away yesterday for a much needed manicure. By much needed, I mean more then my intense cuticles. I needed to get away. I've been stuck in the house for days. Days! Our normal activities were on hiatus for the holidays and all I've been doing is organizing and sorting through everything we have ever owned. Oh! and not to mention sleeping in a toddler bed for two nights straight with a teething baby. Thankfully her bed is wide like a twin, because it later extends. (Genius Ikea designers)

Anyways, back to my manicure. I'm so lucky that I live one minute from a nail salon. Literally. And no one was there except for the workers. Score!

They sat me down in the chair closest to the door. Which was a tad bit irritating considering its in a strip mall and it's freezing outside. But whatever. The nice nail technician snickered at the leftover color choices I had on my nails. Like the proud mama I am I told her my little girl at home did it and I had been supporting them for days. We began chatting and she told me she had two little boys at home.

I could see it in her eyes. The way she spoke of them with a generous smile and then watching it slowly disappeared as she looked down to continue my mini hand massage. I could tell she missed them. I could tell she wanted to be with them.

Then here I am. Getting my nails done by a women that most likely works all day 7 days a week. Because most of the women in those nail shops do. My sole purpose for being there was to get away from my girls. How awful I suddenly felt.

So many feelings were pouring out of me like a kettle ready to pour tea. Guilty, thankful, crappy, lonely. Literally everything.

I felt guilty that I have been blessed to stay home with my girls, and all I wanted an hour before was to run right out of that door. I felt thankful that I'm with them nearly every single second. I felt crappy, straight up crappy and lonely all at the same time. I wanted them, wanted to hug them and damn right needed them. And you know what? I came home to them sound asleep, which doesn't happen. Raygans done with naps and Remy apparently thinks so too as of about a week or so. I kissed their foreheads and thanked Cameron for the alone time.